Sunday, June 6, 2010

"My Horizontal Life" A Collection of One-Night Stands


I just banged through Chelsea Handler's "My Horizontal Life: A Collection of one-night stands" and may well have earned myself another 2 1/2 more years in purgatory. Published in 2005, the book recounts some (highly exaggerated?) one-night stands she experienced in her 20s while living in New Jersey and L.A.

Although certain passages in this book might have made Hustler magazine look puritanical, I thought that a lot of it was quite funny.

Consider this passage:

"The problem is that everyone who gets married seem to think that they are the first person in the entire universe to do it, and that year leading up to the event revolves entirely around them. You have to throw them showers, bachelorette weekends, buy a bridesmaid dress, and then buy a ticket to some godforsaken town wherever they decided to drag you. If you're really unlucky, they'll ask you to recite a poem at their wedding. That's just what I want to do--monitor my drinking until I'm done with my public service announcement. And what do we get out of it, you ask? A dry piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with their hillbilly cousin. I could get that at home, thanks."

And this line: "He was minutes away from getting his first period."

She also has some fun with language; "I had just been inspired to cut my own bangs....In short, I looked as if I had lost a fight with a pair of craft scissors." and "Oh wow, I love those shoes," was my soulful response."

Her girl friend Dumb Dumb and her Mormon sister Sloane make frequent appearances in the story. It is a little bit hard to read these stories since she is never ever ever serious, it is always her slapstick style of humor....except maybe for this one line at the beginning of "Desperado"; "Have you ever experienced a pain so sharp in your heart that it is all you can do to take a breath?...it's the pain of being betrayed by the person with whom you have fallen in love." And as I alluded to earlier, a more appropriate 2nd name for this book might be "The true confessions of a skank-ho".
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