Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Birthday Blues :(

In less than a month I will be having, not celebrating, my birthday and I sense that this event will mark a new epoch in my life. Precluding sudden death via decapitation by raging madman or being road-pizzaed by a city bus, I can reasonably expect to live to see my early 80s. With this birthday, then, I will be entering into the second trimester of my life. (Even though will not let ANYONE know my actual age, an expert mathematician will now be able to calculate that yes, on September 27th, I will be turning 21, again.)

However I have tried to resist maturity, I now feel that I am too old to go to pot parties, drink Jaeger bombs, and sneak into movie theaters.

We all go through this. You might wake up one morning and find you are no longer interested in watching reruns of The Jetsons and calling your mother to find out where she found that cute little blazer she wore to brunch last weekend. (Just out of curiously, you tell her, denying to her and even to yourself that you might actually think of wearing it yourself.)

Here’s some other signs to look for that you, too, might be aging. (And if you are drinking a glass of white wine as you read this, I’m sorry, but that is a sign.)

1) You’ve started seeing your doctor as often as your hairstylist.

2) You find that you and your doctor have more to talk about than you do with your girlfriends, so you try to see you doctor socially, and can’t understand why he/she turns down so many of your invitations.

3) You find your attitude softening to that supervisor who plasters sticky notes on your computer screen each morning about work that should be/must be/will have to be done, and hands you piles of her work that she wants you to do because ohmygod you are that middle manager! You come to work singing the song of time management and accruing piles of papers for that underling who works below you to file and shred.

4) You’re noticing signs of varicose veins not on your grandmother or the best-friend-who-has-spent-the-last-ten-years-in-medical-school but on yourse----OK, actually, we are going to have to stop right there. Any more discussion of this topic will compel at least one of use to increase her dosage of anti-depressants.

5) Weight watchers has become your religious affiliation. You keep track of your points on the same PDA where you schedule office appointments. When you miss a Weight Watchers meeting, you feel that you have let your community down. You have even started to try and convert family and friends, and even though your mother begins to worry you’re a borderline anorexic, you are convinced that you never looked better.

6) You have a favorite dish that you order at your favorite restaurant when you’re your favorite waiter is working and if any of this routine is slightly out of order you feel out of sorts and restless, like maybe you showed up at work wearing sweatpants, or without having brushed your teeth.

7) You have assumed the facial expressions and mannerisms of your mother.

8) You’ve stopped giving money to charities like Green peace or Amnesty International, and have decided that you are going to do your part by throwing all of your cigarette butts into the garbage can, and encouraging others to do the same.

I could go on, but look, here it is 9:45 in the evening…..just enough time for me to put on my anti-crows feet aging cream and climb into bed.

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